i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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