i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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