You smell like a Billy Joel song
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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