She is in my trunk
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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