I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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