I've blown a few things in my day
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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