we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
