Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
