Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
