Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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