Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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