It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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