I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize