I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
