fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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