Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
