dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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