apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
