He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
