i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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