I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You are a genius and a whore.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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