I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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