Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
