mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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