My liver just broke up with me...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
