seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
