ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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