***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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