it's not cheating when I paid for it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
