That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize