She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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