go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Non-Jews are for practice
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
