he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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