I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
