girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
