He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
