I think i peed on brittanys purse
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
