When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
