I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm too high and old for this...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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