My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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