she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
