Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
