i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
