i just had sex bonerless
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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