Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
