Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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