if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
