I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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