hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
