New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
