my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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