Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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