My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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