Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
