Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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