I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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