Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
