I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
