Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
