i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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